as you may or may not be aware... (most likely you are if youve ever paid attention/been able to decipher me at 4am on some random night where ive had too much soju and am stumbling about your streets mumbling things against you that begin with the oh so poetic phrase of "fuckin-fuckyoufuckinkorea-andyourfuckin...") i have very complex... unresolved feeling about and towards you.
seeing as i have now been living here more than 3 point 5 years (consecutively) and have spent about... 4 plus years (here) what with that grant and all... the one thing i have been able to "ascertain" thus far is that... i evidently had a lot more expectations about and for you than i first realized "once upon a time ago" back when i first "reunited" with you in 2007... back then i recall only wondering if i was going to have some kind of "amy tan/joy luck club - 'As soon as my feet touched China*, I became Chinese*.'" experience. (* insert korea and korean for china and chinese)
the reality (for me) is that the moment my feet touched the pavement outside of incheon airport on the night of december 15th of 2007 - not only did i not find myself "turning korean"... it hit me... as my friend and i stood by a rubbish bin to smoke... that... the truth was... i had (been) "turned" "western" so long ago that like a westerner i really didn't give a fuck that korean ahjushis were staring at us as we smoked ... and yet... something else hit me...
that i ... didn't need to "turn korean" because...
fuck.
fuckyoukorea.
you never really left my blood now did you?
... so
here we are ... 6 ... SIX years later.
my ability to communicate with you only exists if we are discussing types of meat or seafood or booze... along with a few other random things that probably aren't too useful (though rather impressive party trick phrases when wanting to amuse korean-korean friends)
my ability to communicate with her as in HER... well... we all have different views/opinions on how public we want to be about HER... and for now... all i really want to say in this form of an open letter is that... thanks to you... thanks to a lot of other things... HER and i... really dont speak much anymore... (how many times can you repeat the same conversation over the course of almost 4 years?)
anyhow... back to YOU - korea.
i have such complex unresolved feelings about you.
one of these days... i will have to leave you.
...
... i have... a lot of feelings about that.
(feelings that i am not yet ready to fully express... give me a few more hours... days... weeks... months... years... lifetimes)
... but here... here is the thing i DO want to say to you in this open letter:
you cost me... us? A LOT.
not just HERE. not just LANGUAGE. not just IDENTITY. not just CULTURE. not just BLOODLINES.
you cost me... over there as well.
to the point that i am numb.
to the point that i am pretty certain that i am "supposed" to feel quite strongly about how things are (are not) with (that majority but not all of) my... "adoptive family" but... no longer do... and have not for quite a long time.
and the only real sadness i feel about that...
is that
i dont
feel
any
sadness
for that
loss (of connection).
and that started long before reuniting with you...
but i know... that reuniting with you...
has made the one day possibility of "repairing that bridge"...
well...
as the white people (who say this type of thing and who truly ALL HAVE) a fetish for asian things (people)... like to say "i feel quite zen about it all" (*imsosickof the idea/phrase "exceptional white person") *note: though i dont really need to say it... i will: i do not speak for others i only speak for me.
but the truth is...
ive got this sneaking suspicion that im not actually meant to "feel zen" about "it all..."
and korea,
you see i have this sneaking suspicion that ... when it comes to adoptees... or ... at least "to me, as an adoptee" that you really like to play the subversive game of "home wrecker"...
like there's this unspoken price that in the "quest" to find (my) identity the price is "all."
...
and for that... amongst so many other reasons that my brain and heart are just too tired to get into right now...
i have such complex and unresolved feelings about you.
yes,
i DO love you for so many reasons -- if you don't believe me ive got hundreds of pages of poems that i can send you to prove this...
but...
there is nothing about you that has proven to be... clean or tidy or... possible of resolving.
here is the only reality that i seem to understand these days (years):
one day, i will need to leave you... for my own sanity and future.
but leaving you... it will not be "easy"... nor will i be leaving you with a (white) english teacher's fat pension check or able to exclaim via facebook "YES! paid off another loan today!"
... (not that i ever came to you for financial remuneration) ... (but yes i did come to you hoping for another kind of remuneration... that ... it seems i shall not be leaving here with either)
... leaving you (when that day comes)... will not be clean... and i know i shall not go to wherever it is next feeling like "well, glad to have tidied up that mess in my life."
... here is what i suspect... here is why i feel so complex about you...
when i leave... and even before leaving you...
the realization... the reality...
is that...
i will never resolve anything about you... i will never find that point of perfect grace or peace in terms of having found my resolution with you...
i will never feel like "i got everything i hoped for" (in spite of what it may seem like "i got")
because the price of you... has been and is... too high... and leaving you... that price is and will be too high...
but... i will and have been paying it... and i always will...
because somewhere... in the midst of realizing how i will NEVER feel resolved about you...
that therein is where i find my own form of...
peace.
with oh so complex feelings that i know shall never be resolved,
kim thompson
seoul, s. korea
8 jan 2013
17:54
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