random thoughts on reunion

* this is not a "poem" this is... words thoughts on life since finding her 2.5 years ago



"some things

cannot be

are not meant to be

reconciled"



those were her words

and i took them as mine

to sum up everything with

her and her and also with her



adoption and its disorders

which lead to relationships with disorders

adoptees are a form of oh so most "disorderly"

cannot attach

but always prone to cling

cannot let in

but always looking out

and those who can

i pray to meet

because some days being the ones to create the model

is too exhausting



she makes my heart a whirl

she makes my brain collapse

she takes the breath from my lungs

and slams it on the city pavements

and leaves me gasping

there is nothing simple about our love



she took my language

she took my understanding

she took my trust

she took the beat from my heart

and drowned it in the pacific

our love was birthed complex



everyone wants to know

how things are with her

these days all i can say is

"its so damn complicated"



you have this moment

where all the light shines in

when the moon is magical

and time stands still

and it moves

and youre back in real time

and the light begins to burn

and the moon looks bored

and time is poking you in the arm

our finding was beauty turned upheaving



and so then theres the drinking

and the over sexing

others find their other ways of coping

and youve just been spun in circles

and life's saying "hey walk straight"

and the ground waves up and down

and people say "whats wrong with you?"

as youre reeling from the booze and the goddamn so drunk sex

and you cant even pull the line back in

because how do you unravel and repiece a ball of yarn like this?



and some days you hate her

and other days you love her

and then at times you just choose to forget

and sometimes its the whole damn country

and sometimes its every woman whose ever done like her

and then theres this quiet calm

and other days theres grief deeper than any child who has a mother could ever know

and inbetween it all theres the knowing

and theres the guilt

cuz youre 2% of 200,000 who are without all you have

so the 1% that you know of the 2%

sit together huddled over dinner

saying things that only the two of you can understand

and what this new lonely feels like



there is no happy ending

you knew that

and yet you didnt



shes got a world of guilt to pay

shes got a lifetime of trying to forget her own flesh and blood

thats out there somewhere wandering...



so you drink

and you fuck

and you dont sleep

and you say crazy shit

because youre drunk

and screwing anything that shows up

and then sleep deprived from not being able to walk in a straight line



and then one day

youre with your friends

youre with a lover

youre with 1% of that 2%

and you realize

how youre no longer drinking to forget

how sex has regained its status and youve said no 9 out of 10 times

and youre sleeping

and even though youre not walking a straight line

at least its a slow "s" shape that youre treading and the floor's stopped moving everytime you lift your foot.

and everything that was beating up your heart and brain

is punching so much softer

and the 15,000 emotions that you were living with all at once

are now down to maybe 150 all at once and those 150 have been stabilized by

realizing you are living in her words



that

some things

cannot

are not

meant to be

reconciled.



kim thompson. seoul. s.korea sunday 22 may 2011 11.00

mpls

and in that just before the dawn

when lilacs breathe through open windows

i finally know the song in full



when i mistake the moon for a street lamp

and utter a sound of awe...



all the shattered pieces meld together

and the broken becomes whole

to form a perfect window door that swings wide

open

(its always been how the light gets in...)



and the laughter inbetween our teary tasting drinks

revives each part that was

forgotten

put in boxes

put away on shelves

not for shame but for

... wishing for a better day

that never gets

any better...

and in the wishing

forgetting spilled over



and when we sat repeatedly

in front of the red and yellow bricks

staring into the park

through sweaty owled glasses

dogs digging earth

your son looking 15 frantic childhood times before crossing the street

the forgotten crossed back over and into

the again of "now"



and when you popped the flower between your fingers

i was for the first time

awakened by the memory of a scent

that we'd inhaled moments before

the opening of flowers



and when you slapped me on the back with a guffaw

and high fiving cuz that's just what we do when we're saying

"i love you"

breath re-entered to my desperate lungs



when i saw each face

heard each voice

consumed each bite of tenderloin

and breakfasts in the afternoon

all so present in the moment

every bit that i didnt know id lost

came back full fledged

in a newer brighter

yet

familiar way



leaning in

has allowed for

all the joys of

leaning out into open hearted ways of

light

and

of

love

and

of

ee cummings wings



and all (of) that returned me

back to



here



the place that being "i" first

began.


kim thompson seoul. s.korea friday 20 may 2011 14.03