* so ive not been writing the past weeks but it doesnt mean ive not had words writhing about... this isnt a poem its just a lot of words...
- so im sitting
listening to "this american life" and thinking about "here"
- "here" being - korea.
and im thinking about what it means to be adopted.
and im thinking about all the white foreign faces here and im not sure really how i fit in... how it is that i can feel this sense of indignation at times with the white faces when its the same kinds of faces that back in the states and over in europe i consider to be some of my truest friends and family...
but here... i confess
i just wish
they would all
and then i get confused cuz i think "kim youre not exactly korean korean and no korean korean will ever see you as fully korean korean and you yourself dont even feel that you are korean korean..."
and then i see white men... white women... chasing after ones who suddenly i consider "MY" people ...
its the sense of superiority.. that gets me
its this attitude that i see in almost every single white n. american i have met here... that somehow where they are from is better than here... and that how they look is more desirable... and that "we" are this experience this delicacy to be had...
and ive heard stories of "them" walking into bars saying
"doesnt it feel good to walk in knowing that you own the place?"
and ive seen and heard for myself
"koreans want us cuz we (white people) are so good in bed"
(and because im not a nice person i cant help but think
"its because back where youre from you cant get laid")
and then i scold myself for not being nice...
and ive seen and heard for myself white people telling us (ibyangs) how we need to feel about being here
and how we have yet to really experience here
and i think "i dont care how long youve lived here... this place this land is more mine than it will ever be yours"
but then im reminded of that invisible manned military line created by "their" governments... and how theyve been taking from here the moment they set foot down on this land
and i scold myself again for not being kinder...
and then i think about the accusations and how ive seen... ibyang men and kyopo men almost desperate for a korean wife... like korea is this new world where they can be the man that they never felt like they were back over there... and i see it with kyopo and ibyang women too... and i wonder how guilty am i of the same?
and yet i know its somehow different
because i know what it is we've lost
and i know who took it...
i see adoption
how it sets everyone off
adoptees cant even get along with each other because of it
i think ive lost friends back home (back home being mpls) because of what i believe...
and i see how torn we are all
ripped not only from our mothers fathers brothers sisters aunts uncles cousins grandmothers grandfathers
but from our land
our way of seeing in the mirror
and the white faces here
remind me of
how and why this all started
that america encouraged
that gi's fathered
that well meaning white americans and europeans pitied
and i think
"havent you taken enough?"
but then i think of europe
and what i saw in lithuania
and the influence of the west
and how theres a lot of good that has come
but so much bad
i think about ola
and how she told me when the new fountain had been built in her town square
"ahh the west has its influence even in zory now"
and how she told me
"the good is that our education is opening and expanding
the bad is - mcdonalds and fountains and this consumer mentality"
and i think here in korea
who am i to judge a thing?
and i cant judge every white person here
and i even like some of them
but i still wish theyd stop dating my people
but then i go back to
"what exactly do i mean by that? ibyangs or korean koreans? or?"
"since when did i become such an ethnocentric type? its a mentality i always deplored in the states and europe and im sorry england i love you but youre amongst the worst for ethnocentric thinking"
and its too many tangents
and theres no resolution
and everyone just gets offended and says "who are you to say this? shouldnt you be more grateful?"
and then i go back to the word "grateful"
and how white people are always saying this
and adoptees have picked up on it
and we're all just so broken and torn and confused
so i dont know
i really dont know
but im trying
because you see
we have no role models
(sadly) we are called into being the models to role something that we are stumbling about in
... i think back to christys poem
- how she said "what would harry holt do?"
what would he do if he knew that this was how it was going to be?
... i look at the white faces here - and wonder if their ignorance is excuse? if their need to pay off debts is enough? if their living or learning language makes them ok?
but then they go and date us
and ive heard them say with my own ears
"korean women like us cuz they know how good we are in bed"
... ... there is no end to this
there is only this middle
and we are in it
kim thompson tuesday 7 sept 2010 seoul.s.korea